When I returned to Chicago last Wednesday I had a list in hand of all the things I needed to do before I leave tomorrow. It isn't uncommon for things to pop up but I swear it seems like every time I cross off one thing on the list I have to add THREE more new things!
So, needless to say, I haven't slept very much for the past week... not good considering I'm going to a place where I'll be working 12 hour days, 7 days a week for 4 months straight.
As with any task list, you're supposed to prioritize. I've pretty much completed the high priority stuff. I completed all the pre-employment stuff as soon as I landed in Chicago.
So I only have a few high priority things left... mostly grim stuff having to do with life insurance and lawyers... but there's one thing that I absoltely cannot leave without doing.
I need to apologize to a loved one... and I mean truly apologize; but I can't because what I did made this person so upset that s/he told me to never contact him/her ever again so I'm hoping this somehow reaches him/her.
It makes me sick what I did... that I could be so hurtful and cower behind the guise of good intent.
I said a lot of good things but I went too far (as I usually do) and they were all for naught.
I'm trying to obey this person's wishes by not contacting him/her, but I'm not really certain what faces me during this next phase of life. I can't go on without acknowledging how wrong I was and how sorry I feel. Contrary to previous statements, I sincerely regret using some of the words I chose and I was definitely in the wrong.
For those of you who've known me for quite some time, you'll know I'm no stranger to relationships. I'm fortunate enough to have loved and been loved several times in life but last Sunday I realized how BAD I am at loving.
I don't mean to get all religious and by no means am I a perfect little chuch boy, but I do attend mass as frequently as possible. Last Sunday while in San Diego, I went to church at USD with Bobby. I hadn't been to mass at USD in quite some time. In fact, while I was at USD, there were probably more than a few times I went for all the wrong reasons (the same wrong reasons you go to the gym).
This occasion, as in all the previous times I've attended mass in the past 4 months, I was really focused. It was as if I was waiting for the priest to say something so moving and provocative it would change my life.
How surpised do you think I was when all it took was hearing a reading I've probably heard a dozen times growing up... it was the second reading... a reading from the letter of Paul to the Corinthians... (1 Corinthians Chapter 13 to be exact).
The 4th verse is the famous "Love is patient, love is kind," passage... you've heard it right?
Well, I've heard it too, but never so clearly or loudly.
In my first post I mentioned the advice given to me by a very smart friend. Her advice was "It's always important to always put the other person's feelings first," and to "ask yourself, Am I acting in Love?"
At the time I knew I wasn't "acting in Love" but I never realized how badly I failed.
All the things the scripture says Love is I wasn't and all the things it says love isn't I was... I feel horrible.
I had the love of my life and I lost her because I didn't know how to love her properly.
My good friend Paul and I always joke around about how I'm going to have a Porsche some day (it may be happening sooner than you think ;) ) and he always jabs back with, "you wouldn't be able to pull that thing out of the driveway without stalling it." The point is, you've got this great car and yet you don't know how to drive it...
Well, I had the best relationship, the only relationship that I wanted in life and I blew it because I didn't know how to handle it and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being hurtful, I'm sorry for not being able to say this to her in person and most importantly I'm sorry for not being able to love this person the way she deserved to be loved.
I love this person very, very much and truly wish her nothing but the best in all her future endeavors...
I'm hoping that the next time I'm behind the wheel I know how to really drive.
So today, my last day in Chicago before I leave for Houston, Kuwait and ultimately Iraq, I've got a bunch of silly errands to run. First, I left my laptop on all night to download a bunch (39 to be exact) of TV show episodes (to watch on my new black, 80GB iPod) and when I woke up this morning I couldn't wake my computer up from standby. So, I've got to bring the thing to the Apple store to get fixed. I hope I didn't lose all the files I actually downloaded yesterday! I'm not bringing a laptop since they're issuing me one (and since I won't be able to get on the network with a personal laptop anyway) so I want to get all my pertinent files onto my new iPod...
I also have to pick up some toiletries like deoderant and q-tips... my brother said that I can buy everything there except q-tips and I'm pretty much out of deoderant.
What else... paper work and ensuring that I have all the required documents for when I arrive in Houston (i.e. passport, ss card, copies of ss card, names, birthdays and ss #s of my beneficiaries just in case, etc.).
I've got to mail some stuff to my attorneys as well as take care of some stuff for my brother. I need to pick-up some pants I'm having altered, I need to put the rest of my crap in storage and in case I haven't mentioned yet, I still need to pack.
How the hell does someone pack for something like this?
Bleh...
I should probably stop bitching about it and just get at it...
I'll try and write before I leave for Houston because once I'm there I don't know when I'll have access next.
Also, I know I'll have e-mail access but in case anyone gets ambitious and wants to send me a Lou Malnati's Large, Deep Dish, Deluxe pizza (uncut!), I'll be sure to post my snail mail address.
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